Am back in KL having survived a very long, emotionally draining 4 days. Going to spend the weekend picking up the pieces, catching up with me and working (thankfully i’m working from my desk, so it’s not that bad).

53 days before I leave. I can’t wait. Let the listing (and the subsequent shopping) begin!

Metaphorically, not temporally. Am heading back to Ipoh (home) tomorrow morning and will be there till Friday. It’s my dad’s 2 year lunar death anniversary this Thursday. It’s bad enough that I’ve got to prance about shirtless for 2 hours as part of proceedings, this year’s highlights will also include -

1) The absence of my brother – But he was an absolute darling and chose to come by for my Convocation instead. So so sweet of him to have actually made the trip all the way down for me. The birthday present will make up for the effort (i hope ). So that means I’ve got no one to whine to on Thursday.

2) My mother’s foot – Her fracture hasn’t healed (the one she got herself in March), thus she can’t move about very much (not because the fracture itself is causing acute pain, but because she got it operated on 2 weeks ago and she’s been advised to not put weight on her foot). That means a more involved role on my part, and also lots more fetching.

I’m sorry I’m whining. I know I’m coming off as extremely thorny, but here’s a corny explanation – it’s just to mask how difficult it actually is to come to terms with the irony (ironIES) that I’ve got to deal with these next few days. I’m trying to get it off my chest by being funny about it (dark humour. ha ha.)

I can’t believe it’s been two years. Things have just been so crazy ever since. I do miss him, so much. I can do this, I know i can.

Things have been pretty hectic this past month. It’s been a month of insane highs and equally insane lows. Not sure if all of those things can be discussed as openly, but I will make an effort to distill my thoughts on them and bore you with those on a later date.

Will blog soon. Promise.

As a result of those realisations, I developed this nagging fear – I worry that no one really knows hat they’re doing. Adults and people of our age alike (watch how I hopelessly try to deny the fact that i’m an Adult already). Fear that no one knows the answers and that everyone is just taking things a step at a time, playing things by ear. I fear that like some twisted set of practice questions handed down to you from a fallible Senior, they have no answer, but are rationalising the answers as they know best. (I’m know sitting here staring at that last sentence realising there are so many layers to it that it’s no longer tongue in cheek).

This fear extends beyond Liberal trains of thought where you understand that some choices come with a certain amount of negative impact. I’m thinking beyond this. I fear that there’s no ‘Right’ or ‘Wrong’ decision when it comes to the choices we make.

I’ve spoken about this to a few people recently and I think they see what i’m getting at – Decisions are ‘Right’ relative to ‘Wrong’ ie. People think they’ve made the right decision when things go well and nothing untoward occurs as a result of that decision.

A lot of people think that being rational – weighing out the pros and cons is probably the best way to decide between two options – is the best way to make decisions, all in the hope that they make the decision that produces the most benefit, the least harm and carries with it the most minute amount of risks. It’s the decision that at they point in time, they think is the ‘Right’ decision.

Assuming one does go through the process countless times and arrives at a decision, executes it but is disappointed because it was all harm, no benefit and extremely risky, then that person assumes that they’ve made the ‘Wrong’ decision. If that person is the least bit introsepective, they’ll attempt to figure out what went wrong and is sure, at some point, to wonder what things would have turned out like if they went with the other option, the one that was initially perceived as ‘Wrong’.

Here’s the catch – none of us get to go back on choices that we make (if you’ve found a way, tell me quick!). We all know too little to figure out decisions that are truly risk free and with the least negative implications. Worst of all – considering that no one really has the Answers, we’ll never know if we’ve made the Right or Wrong decisions. We could’ve made the wrong choices but just not have the negative implacations of that choice come around and nip you in the heel just yet.

We’re just playing it by ear, aren’t we?

]]> http://pwasad.wordpress.com/2008/05/01/playing-by-ear/feed/ 5 pwasad http://pwasad.wordpress.com/2008/04/28/not-budging/ http://pwasad.wordpress.com/2008/04/28/not-budging/#comments Mon, 28 Apr 2008 02:36:08 +0000 pwasad http://pwasad.wordpress.com/?p=19 ]]>

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

When Snow hits the Asphalt, cold looks and bad talk come. We have a long way to go.

Chatting with colleagues from clinical school over coffee.

The surfeit of stuff where I stay. Stuff that i can’t bring myself to use just yet because they’re meant for use at a later time, in another place.

I commented to a friend the other day that i’ve been making arrangements for my departure without really ‘feeling’ the entire process. The tasks seem no different from running errands, although they have consequences which are a little more..lasting in nature. It’s slowly but surely dawning upon me – i’m leaving.

It’s odd -how much i’ve always wanted an exit. I couldn’t wait to leave home at the end of high school and before college. I was adamant on leaving the country right after A levels, but had to stay behind instead. I was told to be patient for a couple more years after which i could leave and I’m glad i’ve been around these past 3 years, i’d have missed so much if i was away. Expereriences in Phase 1 were life changing, in so many ways.

Which leaves me with this one last step to take – leaving for Edinburgh. It’s a little less than 4 months away (it seemed like i had 8 months to kill only yesterday), yet on days like this it feels like i’m leaving tomorrow.

I’m excited, i’m sad, i’m pensive, i’m so many things at once. I’m leaving and I think I finally get it.

You show no guilt whatsoever. Instead, you say things that I can only dislike you even more for. I don’t know how you’ve grown so immune, so unfeeling, so selfish. You choose to speak about the gate first, always the chores and errands, always the things you have to do. Maybe that’s how you prioritise your conversations – work before a quasi-hearted mention/query about how we’re doing, coping, getting on with our lives.

But after that many similar conversations, i’ve come to realise that nothing takes priority over your affairs, not even the most difficult of circumstances, not even the most trying of times.

Last weekend, i couldn’t believe how vindictive you were, i couldn’t believe the allegations you made.

‘You’d have come back sooner if you really cared’.

After all that i’ve tried to do this past year and a half, i can’t believe you can even think that. You went straight at the monkey on my back.

This weekend it’s you being so brazen over what could be your biggest mistake. One that someone else has to pay for. I can’t find the tears this time.

I want to scream at you, to let it out like i did last week. The few days of radio silence did me good.

I’ll just listen to happy rock music instead, its a mockery of how fucked up things really are. I’m running away from you, sometimes i really can’t wait. It’s not going to help, but maybe we’ll be happy on most days.

My glasses broke as I was heading out today morning – not exactly the best way to start the day, especially considering I was quite pumped about getting to the lab and practicing skills I picked up yesterday (I’m nerdy, I know). This simple annoyance was the closest thing to the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’ve had a decent amount on my mind since the past week, I wasn’t entirely well rested and I had a long day ahead. I didn’t need to have to drag myself to an optician to make me a new pair of glasses – not this morning at least. But I didn’t have much of a choice.

So drag myself to the optician I did and I got me a new pair of glasses made.

ust a quick mention – I felt absolutely horrified for a whole two minutes when my glasses first broke (this was before the annoyance set in). I was horrified at the prospect of what could potentially turn out to be days of not being able to see properly, let alone read, drive, do research, admire the view; all the things I need my glasses to help me do. Am so glad the happy folks at England Optical can whip up a pair of spectacles in under an hour (amazing! It’s almost magic!). I needed that hour of quiet time – spent perusing Zara and Topman and at Starbucks with a caramel frap for company. I miss me.

End of story, now it’s time for visual aids! (pun intended) Meet what helps me function everyday:

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I’m also seeing my iPod a little differently – new skin

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The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you

I’m tired, in more ways than one. Deciding that patience doesn’t always pay off is a tough enough decision to make, let alone acting upon it. I need the rest, I’m sorry.

‘You shouldn’t be heading out in this weather without an umbrella. You’ll get wet in the rain and fall sick and you don’t want that happening when your mum or dad aren’t anywhere nearby to take care of you’, he said in tamil.

I smiled, thanked him for the concern and assured him that I wouldn’t head out in this weather without an umbrella. I walked back to my place to get one and just decided to stay in. Maybe it was the rain, maybe it was what he said about not having my parents around to take care of me. That statement touched a nerve somehow.

But it’s stopped raining now, outside at least.

Sleep. Books. Shoes.  Clothes. Dragonlance. John Mayer. Time to study for exams. Chili’s. Caramel Frappucinos. FCUK. Knowledge. Good company. Underwear. Patience.

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I’ve always thought I’m a patient person. My threshold for bullshit is pretty high and when things don’t go my way I’m not quick to let it show that I’m in the mood for some killing. Don’t get me wrong – I do get frustrated, I might get homicidal, but those emotions don’t come across.

Lately I’ve been feeling that I’m not being patient enough. Or it could be that the situations I’m being put in require me to be more patient than I already am. I’m not sure where this extra patience is supposed to come from, or even if that is what is required to deal with the current challenges – delays, attitudes, work. I’m tempted to think that some of these need me to be the total opposite of patient. I’m tempted to think that these situations need me to get out there and start biting heads off before i start seeing things going my way getting done.

Now I wish I had a way of telling what the situation really calls for. And all those things listed above.